Rage Against Suburban Zombie-ism
Monday, July 27, 2009

Bachelorette - Season Finalé

I get it. No one wants to hear about Depeche Mode, fat chicks who wear yoga clothes, or The Bachelorette anymore. I can take a hint and check my plummeting readership.

Well, you'll be happy to hear that tonight was the finalé, so I won't be blogging about this...'til tomorrow night's After The Final Rose!

Anyway, I'll finish this post sometime tomorrow, but if you didn't tune in tonight, Jillian choose...E.d. It was an absolute snoozefest with the exception of Reid making a brave, albeit brief, appearance to declare his love/propose/get rejected on national television for a second time. As if the first wasn't bad enough!

Basically my catch phrase for the evening was, "ED??!!"

This is how the ep went down:
Ed meets Jill's family. (They have big-time Canadian accents!) He explains how he was "married" to his work and was hesitant about going on the show, how he briefly left, and then came back...all for Jill.

Jill's mom grills Ed. His answers invoke a yawn from me. Ed also sorta-kinda asks Jill's father for permission to ask Jill to marry him, big effin' deal! (Just because you ask for permission, doesn't mean that the deal's gonna be sealed.) The producers ask Jill's family to put on some grass skirts, goofy coconut bras, and do the hula like a bunch of asshole tourists. <-- This reminds me why I'd never appear on a reality show. My family probably wouldn't show up and if by some miracle they did, they wouldn't be down with shit like the hula!

With the exception of the hula, repeat above with Kiptyn. (The editors/producers did a good job of misleading the viewers by exaggerating how much Kiptyn + Jill makeout.) Jill's grandma looks disoriented, confused, & horrified, like "Who the hell are these strange people?"

After meeting both guys, Jill asks her family for their opinion. They're very diplomatic, i.e. not helpful. <-- Also very unlike my fam! Jill pulls her cousin, Tori, aside to talk about how each of the guys fuck...in the most euphemistic words, BORING!

1-on-1 with Ed
Helicopter ride to see a volcano erupt. They have a picnic in a rainforest-type setting. Ed says that he'd never "leave her again", bullshit! Jill laughs at Ed's lame jokes. They go swimming in a lagoon. Ed's wearing his ridiculous green shorts again. They go back to a hotel suite. I'm guessing they did it 'cause they just show them kissing on a bed, pan to a volcano erupting. Ha ha, the juvenile symbolism slays me.

1-on-1 with Kiptyn
Jill & Kiptyn cruise 'round on a speedboat. Jill confesses that she "loves" Kiptyn and knows that Kiptyn "loves" her. They have a picnic on a private beach. They paddle out on a surfboard, alone. (The producers really wants us to think that she's gonna end up choosing him!)

Aside: I wanted to clarify that I don't hate Kiptyn, per se, I just don't think he has much of a personality. Sure he's the 'perfect guy', but his awesomeness just doesn't translate on screen.

Jill arrives at Kiptyn's hotel suite. (She's completely drunk as Kiptyn gives his boring ass monologue about seeing a future together with her. Jill stares up at Kiptyn in that glazed over look. After they get off the couch, she even stumbles a bit.) Again, I can only assume that they sleep together.

The Morning Of
Hungover, Jill wakes up and reflects about the decision that she's about to make. Will it be Kiptyn or Ed, i.e. boring and boringer? Repeat with Kiptyn. His blah, blah, blah reflections voiceover his trip to Neil Lane to pick out an engagement ring.

Repeat with Ed, skip to Neil Lane as well as he picks the wrongest pear shaped, QVC-lookin' ring. (Seriously, if my fiancé proposed with that shiznit, I'd ask him to exchange it...before I gave him a response!!!)

Kiptyn changes into his suit. More blah, blah, blah. Repeat with Ed, then Jill in a mock-wedding dress. The score from Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story crescendos. Even this Randy Edelman tear-jerker is unable to elicit any emotion from me. Reid, please save this finalé by making your entrance NOW!!!

Kiptyn is sent out of the limo first, i.e. he's the loser on this game show where "love" is the prize. It's pretty obvious in Jill's eyes that she hasn't chosen him. She remains silent as Kiptyn continues his "I'd be the luckiest man" tirade. Jill says that although he's perfect, everything that she's ever wanted, she confesses to falling in love with "someone else", i.e. E.d. Kiptyn keeps it together, wishing her the best.

If I haven't lost interest yet, it comes pretty close at this point. Everything's pretty anticlimactic from here on out.

Still monotone, Kiptyn tears up a bit in the limo. He finally has his heart broken for the first time. Join the club, bud!

Before Ed arrives, a red taxi van pulls up. Reid, dressed down (on purpose, nonetheless), steps out, saying that he had to "pull multiple strings" to get back here. Chris Harrison greets and wishes him luck.

As he walks towards Jill, she insincerely puts her hand to her chest, exclaiming, "Oh my God!". Reid talks about his regret, being an "idiot" because he didn't own up to his feelings for Jill. As I have soft spot in my black heart about lovers reuniting, things do get a bit emotional now...

Reid confesses his love for Jill. They talk about their unique connection. (Jill, probably with coaching from the producers, does a good job of making us think that Reid's sudden appearance will thwart her original decision to choose Ed.) Jill says that she's "soo confused". Reid gets down on one knee and proposes. Jill tells Reid that she needs to "think about it", further misleading the audience. She leaves Reid standing, alone, at that weird altar.

(Methinks that the producers' realised that they had a boring ass finalé on their hands, so in order to save it, they called Reid back to make this dramatic confession.)

Chris approaches a distraught Jill and tries to talk her through her decision. (At this point, we still think that Reid has a shot.) Chris says, "you know" and immediately, Jill awakens from her confusion.

Jill returns to Reid to tell him that "she's fallen in love with someone since". Reid is speechless. Jill elaborates that although she loves being with him, these feelings can exist with someone else as well. They embrace, Jill escorts poor Reid back to the unglam red taxi van. Reid says that her decision doesn't make sense to him...you're not alone, Reid. You're not alone!

In his limo speech, Reid says that although he's not happy about the outcome, he has no regrets about flying back to give their relationship one more chance. I think that his return has much more of an impact than Ed's weakass crawl back.

Suddenly full of clarity, Jill exclaims that she's sure about her decision and "100% madly in love" with Ed. (Where did this come from? Is Chris that much of a cheerleader? Can I hire him to help me with my career?) Both Jill & Ed say that they've gone through "soo much", yet they've only known each other a smidgen during an 8 week period on the set of this reality show.

Ed confesses his love. Ditto Jill. Ed gets down on one knee and proposes with his fugly ring. (Am I missing something here? I just don't see what she sees in him. He's a shady loser!) They kiss. Montage of their lame dates together.

Since their last date together was glossed over, I can only assume that Ed's dick finally worked on their 1-on-1. Otherwise, don't say that I didn't warn you about e.d., Jill!


posted by Stephania at 11:17 pm
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