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Rage Against Suburban Zombie-ism Wednesday, January 28, 2009  Holy. Fuckin'. Shit. It must truly be the end of days because my worst nightmare is about the come true. Yesterday, I received an email from a gf letting me know about a mutual friend's stagette. Upon this communiqué, all forms of anxiety surfaced. My heart raced. And I had to coach myself through a series of breathing techniques. Miraculously enough, I managed to exit my 20s without attending a single, solitary stag-fuckin'-ette...with quite a few gfs who have gotten married. In fact, I've done such a great job that I've never actually been to one. AND I thought that I could get away, scot-free, without attending one as long as I was alive! I guess I was wrong. :( Unless I die within the next few months, being "one of the girls" at a stagette will be my reality and I'm not looking forward to it. While looking up pics to accompany this post, I just kept on thinking, "WHY??"... Why would you dress up like a slutty, fake bride? Why would you want to get plastered just before your wedding? (<-- Isn't that what marriage is for?) Why would you want to learn the "sensual art of seduction", a.k.a. stripping, from an overweight, former dancer? Why would you pay $$$ for some guy to come and take his clothes off, when you're soo blitzed, you won't remember it anyway? Why would you hire a limo/bus driver to shuttle you 'round town? Why would you go to a bar, dance atop it, acting the idiot, while screaming "WOOO" at the top of your lungs, then drive to another bar, and repeat? Why would you want to kiss strangers...who you would never even considering fucking? Last why: Why would you invite your friends to participate/witness this...this...travesty? WHY??!! At least I now know what the obscene amount of alcohol is for. Hopefully within less than a decade, I'm banking on this to be just a faded memory. Planning ahead, I should start distancing myself from any of my single gfs and befriend married women-only. Boooring. (Btw, I do not know anyone in the above photo. I simply stole it because it's size+race/look of the girls represents this nightmare so vividly. Well, 'cept for the Tongue Girl who's sorta-kinda sexy.) Labels: stagettes are dump stupid posted by Stephania at 2:17 pm |
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