Rage Against Suburban Zombie-ism
Monday, September 29, 2008

Sasha, We're Not In Chinksville Anymore!

White people scare me, but I still go to their houses 'cause they're undoubtedly the best hosts.

They ask if you want anything to drink, come 'round with trays of small food, & most importantly, you don't hafta bring shit! Not even booze, especially if it's they're older Whiteys.

(It's such a fuckin' pet peeve when someone, non-Whitey, invites you over for a party, but then tells you to bring shit so that they can eat. Funk dat!)

My people do it up decent too, but arrive DRUNK 'cause you won't be drinkin' no wine with dinner. Prepare protective padding, fightin' elbows, and master to snap that Lazy Susan 'cause it's self-serve. AND...although Uncle Ying or Aunt Yang tell you not to bring anything, be prepared to lose severe face if you show up completely empty-handed. A bag of oranges will do or perhaps you can introduce them to a nice wine??

Anyway, here are other areas in which Whiteys are far more superior with their hosting skillz:

1. You can keep your shoes on. Really. No one will think that you're disrespectful if you wanna show off those cute new shoes that go perfectly with your outfit!

2. The menu. You know how you'd go to those chain restaurants every so often and order a full-on meal, i.e. appetizers, an entrée with a salad AND an alcoholic AND a non-alcoholic beverage, dessert, then chase that down with a coffee? Well, Whiteys actually eat like this...everyday.

I'm not even shittin' you.

I once had a White friend and he'd invite me over for dinner all the time. Most of those times he never even warned his mom that I was coming over and that's the stuff that I was served!

Like a restaurant, sometimes I'd even get to choose what I wanted to eat, eg. steak or fish. It was crazy!

3. You don't hafta eat everything on your plate. Think Brussel sprouts are gross? No problem! Leave them aside and they'll throw it in the garbage for you. Don't want to finish a burger, after taking one bite? No questions asked, no judgment. It'll be tossed out as well!

4. The dessert. Sick of having air for dessert? Go to Whiteys and they'll hook you up!!! And I'm not talking about red bean soup or anything like that. I'm talking the rich stuff like ice cream, apple blossoms, chocolate cake, et al. that they just have lying 'round.

5. They're festive! Feeling shafted come Christmas time 'cause your fam doesn't give you gifts 'cause they don't "celebrate"? Go to Whiteys! Not only will they stuff a stocking for you, but they'll also get you a gift PLUS rejuvenate that holiday spirit with their decor.

Not necessarily a part of hosting, but I appreciate Whiteys keeping extra rolls of toilet paper within reach.

You do not know how many times I've had to waddle, pants around my ankles, just to get to that secret stash!!! It's toilet paper, people. NOT the golden fleece!


posted by Stephania at 12:47 am
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